I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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