mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
