I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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