Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You are a genius and a whore.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
