I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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