New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
