Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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