She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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