and next time when you feel me up, do it right
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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