so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
