Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I have aggressive nipples.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
