Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
