Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
