I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My bed smells like the plague
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
