I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I supernannyed him into submission
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
