I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
