then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
