How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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