i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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