There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
