I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
