i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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