Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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