do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
