Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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