If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
