everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
