dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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