I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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