No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
