I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
