Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
