ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
