Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
