The best revenge is premature balding
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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