I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
