we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
