My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
