I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
