New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
