I want to make a zoo with you.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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