i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize