Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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