I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
is that a dick in a sweater?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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