Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
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