what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
