Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize