You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize