I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
