I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
