Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
zippers are such a cool invention
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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