My friends, they love my intelligence
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
