she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
