I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
