Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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