How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I pour the whiskey from now on
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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