More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize