I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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