I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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