i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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