You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
