I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
