1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I am mentally ready for anal.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize