nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
