I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize