I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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