I wish my penis had an off switch
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize