i already hear my dad disowning me
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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